The Art of Peeing Sitting Down

It all starts in Germany

A few years ago I spent a few weeks working in Berlin. The work was through the consultancy owned by my friends Marion and Andrea. To keep costs low and to help make my stay in Berlin more enjoyable,  they offered me a room in their lovely apartment.

Marion is a beautiful human being and absolutely WYSIWYG – What You See Is What You Get – and she also speaks her mind. From the get go she declared that there shall be no peeing standing up. This applied to me and the other visiting consultants.

Her reasons were perfectly logical – you sprinkle when you tinkle and the wipe up can be a little hit and miss, so be a sweetie and sit down when you pee! It almost entirely eliminates the mess. Also reasonable because she has a cleaning lady come in a couple of times a week to clean the apartment and no one really needs to be wiping up other peoples’ pee.

A few jokes were made, but we all knew that she made sense and even if her directness was a little grazing, we would still be more mindful of her request. Now I don’t know how the other guests complied with her request or the need behind it – leave the bathroom clean and dry after your visit, but I actually tried to do what she suggested. I tried to sitting down to pee.

A history of being upright

For a guy who has spent 39 years peeing upright, this was  a fairly unnatural stance. I would guess I’m not alone in that sense. I’ve never been in a men’s bathroom that had the urinal area that was anything other than gross. Granted there are different degrees of gross, but gross nonetheless. There is always bits of hair, occasional dandruff and chewing gum in the urinal, legacy wee on the flow and the ever present danger of you peeing on your own shoes. And don’t forget the awkward avoidance of looking down when you are shoulder to shoulder with other men draining the camel.

Typically, going for a pee is a super fast job – in and out. There is no lingering by the urinals – unless there are other agendas afoot. You wouldn’t anyway – the stink is fairly overpowering.

Even peeing upright in the privacy of your own bathroom is fraught with risk – so much could go wrong. Toilet seats dampened and left up, lids not put down and the potential for puddles all make this a risky venture. Many a loving relationship has been strained by this recurring risk.

You might think that with so much opportunity to practice that there would be no problem. I have a theory about this – You only get good at what you deliberately try to get good at.

If I pee on average twice a day everyday for 39 years – that is 14244 days or  28,488 opportunities to practice. You would think that I would be an expert at peeing. But no,  I still get seats wet, the occasional drip on my shoes and certainly leave the seat/lid in the wrong configuration many many times. So if it’s not the lack of practice, then it must be about the lack of deliberate focus.

Time for something different

So with this in mind, I was determined to explore something different – to deliberately get better at peeing. I tried sitting down and over time the sense of weirdness disappeared. Not only that, but I also found there was no spillage and no puddle. It was all tinkle with no sprinkle. The toilet seat is left down and it is clean and dry for the next occupant. The residual hair dropping was also greatly reduced. I never had a dandruff problem so no view on that.

What amazed me more was the opportunity to take a break. Sit down, take a load off and enjoy the experience. At least twice a day, you get a moment to yourself. It takes marginally longer than an upright pee but you get so much more. Peeing upright does not really afford you that opportunity, you’re on your feet, you got places to go and people to see. You might wash your hands or not and often if you do, do you really wash them well enough?

I found myself consistently more relaxed and remembering to wash my hands more often and more deeply than when I was an upright urinator. (ok that is not a real word).
For all the benefits I mentioned, there is still one bit that I am not yet entirely consistent at doing – putting the lid down. But with time and deliberate focus, I expect that will happen to0.

Thanks

I have to say a huge thank you to Marion for that suggestion two years ago – I know we joked about it, but it really worked for me! Olaf, my male German friend says that men peeing sitting down is far more common in Germany that anywhere else he had been. I don’t have experience of that either way.

So fellas if you are looking for something that will help you be more hygienic, delight the ladies you share your lavatories with,  give you back a few serene minutes of your day and leave you with dry shoes then consider peeing sitting down. You might thank me!


Featured Image By: Tony AlterCC BY 2.0

Wickedly witty caption seeks hilarious illustration for fun times.

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I recently saw ‘Tangled’ – an animated movie of the Rapunzel story. Very enjoyable.

As it often happens, a funny visual came to mind and an even funnier caption that I would love to match with an illustration to make a single panel comic.

To have maximum effect,  I don’t want to reveal the caption until it is paired with just the right illustration.

As a starting point – I had a Larson-esque style comic in mind, but I’m open to other styles.

Have you got illustrative skills or do you know someone who does and who might be willing to do this for free?  Drop me a comment or tweet me.

What is in it for the artist?

Well,  you get to collaborate on something fairly hilarious.
Lots of people will see it (well, a few really cool people at least)
Also, you get to co-own its copyright (if that floats your boat – although I’m happy to make it CC with attribution)

And if it works out we could make it a regular thing. Who knows where it might lead and who doubts it will be fun getting there?

Dear Jesus, Bless My Hustle

My bro sent me this video, I don’t where it came from , but I was laughing my ass off.

I guess if God can be asked to bless tanks and bombs, He/She can also be reasonably requested to bless one’s hustle!

 

Enjoy!

A Very Funny Chat – Warning: Adult Themes

I love the people I chat with on Skype. Most are irreverent and simply don’t take life too seriously. Well, actually they take a small bit of life  very seriously.

It was my friend Tommy’s birthday and I skyped him to wish him well (to be honest I was prompted by Skype – a feature I have loved forever!).
You may know him from such twitter profiles as @kode4food – where he plays a grouchy, irreverent developer/maker.

Here is the transcript. Hope you cry laughing 😉

 

Skype:

It’s Tommy’s birthday today
Forgot the birthday card? We can help – send them a Skype Gift Card instead.

Me 10:27
Hapy Birfday to you, Happy Birfday to you, Happy Birfday dear Tommy, Happy Birfday to you. Hip Hip Surgery!

Tommy 10:35
haha thanks!

Me 11:40
What you got planned?

Tommy 12:17
well.. my wife (soon to be) bought me a nice tobacco pipe.. I figured I’d smoke that a little bit, then have some indian food, then come back and smoke a little more. it’s a bit rainy today, so not much else can be done

I figure now that i’m 41 and I’ve spent most of my life playing it safe, it’s time to throw caution to the wind and start smoking

Me 12:19
dude – thats is stupid idea

Tommy 12:19
nah!
not like I’ll be a chain smoker, 
it’s a fucking pipe after all

Me 12:19
dude – its a fucking filthy habit

Tommy 12:19
I’m a filthy filthy man

Me 12:20
you always think its cool, but its filthy
its like walking around with dried turd on your underpants filthy

not 90 year old man fucking a 21 year old hottie filthy

Tommy 12:20
ha

Me 12:20
easy to confuse I know

Tommy 12:21
who says I don’t already walk around with dried turd in my shorts?

Me 12:21
but your clothes will stink like an ashtray and
 your wife (soon to be) will stop kissing you

I swear

Tommy 12:21
brb
nah, she won’t

Me 12:21
and your pseudo kids will learn that you don’t respect yourself, not really

and will subliminally not respect you, all because papa hittin the old man pipe

Tommy 12:22
I think they already know that
god, if they only knew me in my twenties

Me 12:23
you will be such a conformist when you smoke this, you will join the ranks of the can’t think for themselves

Tommy 12:23
I smoked weed like a chimney from the time I got home til the time I went to bed

Me 12:24
weed is an exception when you have brain cells to burn, dude you are on a downward spiral now re: brain cells

Tommy 12:24
comformists smoke pipes?

Me 12:24
you need the ones you have to help you keep from being incontinent and drooling uncontrollably
a 41 year old who can’t control his own bowel movements, well that is just wrong.

yes – conformists smoke pipes. , fucking conformists

Tommy 12:24
too late!
ha

Me 12:25
hahaha

Tommy 12:25
honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone smoke a pipe… like ever

Me 12:25
dude – clearly you are hellbent on doing this
so do it

Tommy 12:26
I tried cigars, but they’re a pain in the ass

Me 12:26
and then stop doing it
BTW you’re not supposed to smoke cigars with your ass 
(it is a great party trick though)

I once saw this woman in Bangkok smoke a cigar with her pussy
somethings you can’t unsee.

I’m going to put this conversation on my blog by the way

it is fucking class.
I will change names to protect the innocent.

Tommy 14:55
then you don’t even want to know about my heroin overdose suicide pact
I think I’d like to see the Bangkok trick
just to say I saw it
yes, please do
Samsung says I should buy a Galaxy Note 10 for Mom
what’s the address of this here blog you’re gonna write?

Me 14:59
i will post the link once I have it – it’s one of those cheap market tricks where you don;t get to see what you;re buying. I always wanted to pull one of those scams, so now I will. With a blog post (how fucking lame!)

I hope you enjoyed it for the crass, uncensored but thoroughly hilarious skit it is.  If not, thanks for dropping by – you might want to check out Prudes Anonymous while you’re about.